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| I'm back again. I have nothing to do and I'm driving myself nuts trying to figure it out. I don't think anyone will come to read this... and I'm kind of hoping that if anyone does, then not many people would. This journal is my only way to be able to be who i want to be and not have to hide something.... I just hope that my friends don't find this ... I'm so stupid... I should change the account because there's only one person in this world who uses "Vnyla"... eh... I'll do it later. I'm still bored though.
I guess I can pull something from my journal. But what would be good to pull out and share? Dreams? Metaphors? Love and heartbreak? Happiness and sadness? Anger and sorrow? How about something that has been bothering me for years. Something I just can't seem to get away from?
Nov. 10, 2004
As I walk down this road with no sign of achievement or failure, I can't help but wonder where it would lead me. Would it lead me to achievement, success, and happiness or would it lead me to failure, pain, and depression? So far, it seems that it has been nothing except failure and I, only in denial of my sadness and sorrow, can only seem to be happy for those outside whom are watching my every move, to please those whom I wish not to be sad, for those whom I wish not to pity me. I can not express the sadness that I gain every second since so many people are expecting me to be happy, watching me... waiting to see my next "happy" and "beautiful" experience. I am but a human... striving for life, trying to survive what others also find so frustrating and so painful. If they only knew the sorrow, pain, torture and depression that cloud my darkened sky, from both past and present... and soon to be future, they would understand the obstacles that I endure every day. They would understand why I shed invisible tears. They would understand why I think these life threatening secretive thoughts... but... they do understand one thing and they hold it against me.... They understand that there will never be a day where I will take my own life for they know that my love for everyone makes it my obligation to live.
And sadly, it's still the same to this very day. I'm not trying to make it sound like I've been like this my whole life, taking crap from people for so long. Don't get me wrong but I must admit... it's a lot to have on my shoulders and it's starting to weigh me down. It's starting to hurt so much and I don't know if i can last long. I don't want to hurt my family. I truly don't but... Like my friends have told me and like I've told so many others...
You can't take care of someone else if you can't even take care of yourself.
Life's hard. Sometimes you'll have to do things no matter how much you hate it.
..... and it all hurts so much ....
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| There isn't much to say... just that I'm tired of myspace. There's not much you can do on there and putting a page together is basically the point of having a website. It brings out my personality.
Well, to begin with... I haven't slept in over twenty hours.... For some reason I was wide awake at 3 am but now I'm delirious and it's only 9 am. Probably going to pass out before I make it to 5. Wish there was someone to keep me company.... It's all ok... it seems that I'm more alone than ever with my thoughts. It's like no one wants to hear them... not even me.
I've gotten to the point where the words "to enjoy" mean nothing anymore. I sometimes want to walk up to a stranger and ask them for advice but then they would think that I'm completely and utterly mad. Oh, hell! I'd think I were mad if I did it.... but then again I never look at other people when they come to me and I haven't the slightest idea who they are. I guess what I'm looking for is a friend... a true friend who doesn't just pat you on the back and tell you what you want to hear but what you need to hear. I don't know. Man, I sound like a pathetic desperate wimp..... I'm just gonna go. lol. I'll write again later.
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